The truth behind how computer really work (training 101)

TRAINING 101




Welcome to vague tecthinggy support.
Today we will be covering some stuff about the wassaname things with the keyboards on.
Now as we all know those thinggys that I mentioned earlier work on magic and sometimes the magic is called maco magic and sometimes its PC magic. Maco magic can be ver complex so we will keep that for the people who do a little better class.

For now lets find out how the wassaname works, most of the magic is contained in the HD or Heavy Dwelling as we Tec’s call it .In the HD live little elves, who when a request is made on the keyboard run around in the HD using the magic dust and completing the tasks.
As you know some PC wassaname’s are slower than others and that is because the elves in those PC’s are older and slower than the younger ones in the other wassaname’s.
Sometimes when these elves retire and then can be replaced with younger fitter ones and we call this an upgrade, now the younger fitter elves live on a magic silver disk which can be only obtained from the worse parts of town, hence the name seedyroam.

The magic incantation for invoking the younger elves and making them move in the HD is

OEM-22558-66975-J223655, and this incantation should be spoken in that place where you live with three of those things open (you know the ones that make a hole in the wall), whilst standing on one leg and looking at the full moon.You must member to bash the keyboard thing with your fist while you speak the words.
Praise the great wizard William Gates for creating this incantation.


THINGS THAT CAN GO WRONG




Sometimes when you put new elves in the HD one or two of the old ones refuse to move out and fights occur and you might get the following error message,

A fight has broken out in room ax10101101011101 press any key to kick the offending elves and terminate the current argument (the anykey can be located on the bottom of the keyboard in a secret compartment), note that you will lose any appendage used to press any key so a small stick is recommended.
On rare occasions it is not possible to get rid of the old elves and then you need to visit you local magic emporium to obtain a new Heavy Dwelling as the old one has been too badly damaged by the ongoing conflicts. These new HD’s can cost from two chickens to one small grunk stone, and obviously the bigger the HD the more elves it will hold, and while you are there it might be good time to see if you can engage a good memory elf to remember stuff and a good glitter box to see the runes on.
And while you are there it might be good time to see if you can engage a good memory elf to remember stuff and a good glitter box to see the runes on.
And while you are there it might be good time to see if you can engage a good memory elf to remember stuff and a good glitter box to see the runes on. (Damm see what I mean It doesn’t pay to buy a cheep memory elves)

One important point to remember is that your flicker box is only as good as the candles it contains, so keep your wicks trimmed and your tinder boxes dry.




SYSTEMS


Sometime you will hear people talking about the thinggys and you might hear the phrase “what system to you have?” and depending on what the person has he might say 3 1 or 95 or 98 or even 1,000,000,000(or millennium).

Now don’t worry about these terms as they are very simple to explain, all it relates to are the number of elves the HD contains, for instance the 31 system has only 31 elves and is therefore very slow .The 95 one has 95 elves and is slightly faster, me thinks you can foretell the rest your selves. Those of you too stupid to understand this report to me in the axe room after class for EXTRA lessons. (Your parents will be informed in writing)

By now you should all have learnt enough those things what we have just been talking about, to sit an exam containing all the course material up to date but be warned the test is very easy so those of you who fail will be thrown into the pit of never-ending sorrow and then most likely come to a very sticky end as that is where all the college rubbish is thrown.
I did not mention this before but silly me I thought it self evident that you would all know this. So here it is for those of you who are too stupid to know, which at first glance is all of you.
Apart from the keyboard, flicker box and HD the other item the thinggy requires is a mouse.
Please note I mean MOUSE and a rat just won’t do, no not even a small one. Also dead mice are no good as they tend to smell after a while and squirt fowl liquid every where when squeezed.
The best mice to have are the young fit ones with one brown patch on the head just above the left eye.
Your mouse needs to be well trained so that when it spots that some of the runes on the flicker box are in the wrong place it can (when pressed in the right spot) go straight to that rune and replace it with the correct one.
Mouse mats are not generally needed unless your mouse is fat and lazy. my tip is it is best to avoid getting one in the first place so it doesn’t give the mouse a chance to fall asleep.




USELESS THINGS YOU CAN GET FOR ‘EM’

Scream savers: Never seen the point in these, after all a scream is bad enough the first time round without wanting to hear it again.

ISDN: stands for Incandescent Snakes that Do Nothing, after all who wants a pile of glowing snakes that don’t do anything.

Cable Modems: I mean what the hell is one of those.

Desk top themes: I understand that a lot of you have expressed a lot of interest in these, well they are all well and good but there is not point in having one of these unless you are blessed with an abundance of money and plenty of desk space and have about a week of free.
Ok so if you still want to go ahead and have this theme thing done then you need to go and see your boss and advise him that the office will have a team of 12 painters in it for up to a week. They will give you a choice of themes then sand your desk down and start painting the theme.

Fuzzy leg warmers: we give these free to you if you graduate.
QUICK GET ME ONE !!



Ok, so now you know all about them “where can I get one “ I hear you asking yourselves.
There are many avenues available to obtain one of the whatsaname things.
You might be thinking to yourselves “why should I buy one when I can make them myself”
Well let me answer that question for you. Most of you are too stupid to make a cup of tea let alone perform the complex incantation required to conjure up a fully working thinggy.

You can easily obtain a very good thinggy from the wizard r us show rooms on dung pit street, they have good prices, friendly staff, free offers and I get a 10% kick back. So shop there or else.
My advice is to avoid the following two places when looking for thinggys,

1/ Tinn’es

In Tinn’es the thinggys look great and the price of 9 chickens and two grimbles isn’t too bad but be warned you must never judge a parchment by its colour.
For contained inside a tinn’e PC are dwarfs not elves and these dwarfs have a very mean nature and WILL NOT share the HD with anyone, on the face of it the thinggy looks the same but don’t be fooled the tinn’e dwarfs are nasty little bastards and will screw up everything you try to do.
Most of the time they are fitted with a very thin steel rope which when connected to another tinn’e wassaname is supposed to let you swap spells with the other wassaname thinggy and they call this device tin can on line and once welded to a thinggy it is impossible to remove without killing all the dwarfs which in my opinion is not a bad thing, it must be noted however that tinn’e thinggys will not usually work without the shrunken dwarfs and for that reason my advice is to stay well clear of the money grabbing bastards that try to sell em to ya.




2/ Pixons superstore

Another one to watch is Pixons as the Pixon store house in dangle lane tends to employ zombies from the local grave yard as staff because they are cheep, don’t eat, and require very little time off, you can always spot a Pixons staff member in the street as they are always staring into space with their mouth open, never answer your questions and tend to smell a bit.
In Pixons stores everything is laid out to look cheep and cheerful but this is not in fact the case, everything in the store you will find to be quite expensive and very rarely works the way it should, and when you take something back to say that the elves are missing or that the flickers box has no candle’s in it they tend to take it off you saying that it was ok when it left the shop and that they will fix it from you but you will never see it again.
You can never get an answer to any question you put even if you manage to get a member of staff that is alive, as no one at Pixons knows what the hell they are talking about.







E-MAIL EXPLAINED





E-mail stands for elf-mail, and is usually used to send vast amounts of spells or other information you have collected on your thinggy, these collections of information are usually referred to as nuts or New & Unused Tasking Spells. They are many methods your elf can use when taking these nuts to other people’s thinggys for you, but the most popular, most reliable and free one is called Nubile Transfer Locator or NTL for short. It is a high-speed wire and pulley device, which is connected to other people’s thinggys and is capable of moving vast amounts of nuts at high speed.
The only stipulation to getting this free service is that you have to buy at least ten pies per month from the dingle dell pie shop and then you can use NTL as much as you like.
There are other providers of this service who aspire to offer a “free” service. One of these are Tinn’es on line, they offer you a completely “free” service. All you have to do is give them 24hours before you send E-mail and pay them 34 chickens a week.
The service they offer only works after midnight and only up to 1am in the morning ,also it must be noted that the dwarfs who run this service are slightly gone in the head and tend to scrawl their names over everything with a magic pen that can never bee removed .
Other offenders or should I say E-mail provider are; Lune one, Flea serve and Big Tee’s.






ERROR MESSAGES

132 No one actually knows what this error message means, if you do know what it is then please let us all know because we will be very interested as to why idiots like you can work this out when the best minds in and can’t.
602 Port already open a message has gone out to the harbour master to open the port but it was already open and unloading ships.
603 Means that you are too late leaving work to catch the ship home tuff luck
691 This message only comes up when you have been out drinking all night on one of Steve the wiz hash runs* and can’t remember your name the next morning.
702 Device response received when none expected.
This means that you hit the keyboard without telling the thinggy and it didn’t expect it.
752 A syntax error was encountered while processing a script.
This is a polite way of the thinggy calling you stupid.
891 Libation capacity outstrips monetary availability.
Means it’s your turn to buy the drinks.








Apple Mac platforms


Ok there is not a lot to be said about these as no one actually uses them unless they are mad and blind.
Macs are basically very large apples standing on a big wooden platform with a talking worm inside.
The worms are quite bright and can answer most question that are put to them, the only draw back being that you need to learn a new language called macese. This is quite a difficult language to learn and I personally wouldn’t bother unless you have nothing left in your life and you are a totally sad git.
There are only two types of platforms, the really big ones and the really small ones.
You can always spot them a mile away, as they are the apples wearing the rubber raincoats.
There is no real point buying one, unless you need a good paperweight that is.




How do I change the brightness of my flicker box?
What about lap tops?
Where do I go to get one of those thinggys fixed?
What time is it?
Do I get a current bun with that?

These questions and many more will be answered in TRAINING 101 #2









*Hash run is just a gang of bored wizards who get together and run from inn to inn drinking as much as they can before they all fall over


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